Losing my religion…

By the end of February, I felt like and probably was an emotional mess.  I had become very angry; I questioned my faith and at one point, I was so depressed that I didn’t want to leave the house.  About this time, my trusty caregiver, husband and best friend, Jim made me get up and go for a walk.  It’s amazing what walking can do to clear one’s mind.  I think the correlation may be that we are moving forward instead of staying stuck.  It seemed like my world was suddenly fragmented.   On the physical side, in a matter of two weeks more tests had been performed on me than ever in my entire life.  All my exercise and nutritional religion was lost.  To quote a REM song, “…That's me in the corner, That's me in the spot-light, Losing my religion…”   I had an ultrasound, an MRI, and a CT scan of my GI or gastrointestinal area which confirmed a tumor in my pancreas.  An endoscopy procedure was also performed where while under sedation a rigid hose was inserted down my throat to allow for a scope to go into the pancreas via an incision in my stomach to biopsy the tumor.  That same day a separate procedure was done to insert a stent into my bile duct to open the blocked pathway to my pancreas.  The bile duct blockage was the cause of my itching skin.  Was this a blessing in disguise?  It did cause me to discover the adenocarcinoma tumor early.  It didn’t feel like a blessing.  I was still mad at God and asking Him, “Why?”   While none of us are perfect, I asked God, “Haven’t I been a faithful servant?  Why would you do this to me?” I was asking questions, but they were pointed, angry and I wasn’t really looking for an answer. To be honest I was venting anger.  I still didn’t understand why this had happened to me.