I have had a front-line battle with anxiety as long as I can remember when transitioning from the known into the unknown.  With years of experience behind me, I had become more practiced at deflecting the arrows of this familiar foe.  George Müller is quoted saying, "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." My own personal experience shows me that this is a true statement.  My trial took me to another level of skill beyond what I could have previously imagined. 

After the initial procedures were completed, it was confirmed that cancer had not spread beyond my pancreas.  Jim and I had a moment of celebration, while finding strength and hope in this positive report.  We acknowledged that we won our first battle in the war. 

The next clash in this war was my first chemo session.  It was intense and scary for me.  I had spent the last ten plus years eliminating chemicals from my world.  If I didn't believe that God is for me, I am not sure that I could have moved forward with this plan.  This medical process and these people were tools in the hand of God to bring healing to my body.  It is what I could do.  It's the faith I had for that mountain to be moved.  The Word of God says it takes a mustard seed of faith to move mountains and I believed I had the faith of that little seed.  With people that love me by my side, we did it!

Humans were made to love each other.  We all have gifts and talents to help one another.  When going through life's joys and traumas, we need to reach out to each other.  We mentally, physically and emotionally need to brace and rejoice with one another.  It goes without saying that anyone going through an overwhelming trial should have a caregiver or loved one with them at all appointments.  Emotions are raw and tend to get in the way of hearing information provided by the medical professionals.  It is so easy for thoughts to flood the patients mind when hearing something that pulls them into the realm of feelings.  It is truly a battlefield in your mind at that moment.  Choose your inner circle wisely, as you will need people you can trust to stand strong with you and guide you with wisdom.

While receiving chemo, I would religiously follow my protocol:    Kick off my fast after dinner on Wednesday, start chemo Friday morning, 5 hours later Jim would drive me home with a chemo pump strapped to my side and connected to my port, start eating again first thing Saturday and Sunday, my pump would be removed.  My sister in-law, Sue was a God sent and agreed to learn how to detach the pump while at my first chemo session.  She would come over and disconnect it Sunday around noon.  It saved us the two hour trip to Rochester and back. 

 Two months later I returned for scans and blood tests, as planned.  I was convinced of a good report, based on my faith and belief that I would be healed.  However, this is what I heard:  The CT as well as PET MRI scan show that I have had minimal metabolic response. The tumor is stable however it may have gotten slightly larger and my CA 19-9 or cancer marker has increased to over 500.  I was shocked and dismayed all at the same time. During these sessions, I would consistently  hear from Dr. Truty that his expectation was that my life could be extended by two years.  I would cry for about the first half hour on the way home and then, begin clearing the destructive, mental clutter caused by the fear, worry, doubt and unbelief that would flood my mind after receiving the distressing news.

The one thing that I was learning was to mentally prepare for the nurses and physicians reports that were based solely on what they believed the facts or scientific evidence was telling them.  I knew there was a good chance that it wasn't going to line up with the miraculous healing I was seeing on the horizon in my spirit.  I was challenged to hear their bad reports, but I got better at deflecting the negative thoughts that wanted to destroy me.  I would gather myself and bring it back to God, remembering to stand on what I believed for:  My miraculous healing.  No matter what they said, I had to believe for that.