Everything Changed

I initially heard from my primary doctor that the scans had shown a small tumor in my pancreas about the size of the tip of my pinky finger that would need to be surgically removed.  As true to my nature, my first thought was that I can get this done and move on.  Then, we had a consultation with a surgeon who was part of health care provider’s network.   We quickly found out that my consultation appointments were scheduled out of order and he wasn’t aware that we had not yet talked to the oncologist.  He explained that it would be wise to go home and get my affairs in order.  He informed us that doctors assume pancreas tumors are cancerous with over 80% found to be malignant.  I am thinking, wait; what did he just say?  I looked at Jim and started to cry.  The surgeon quickly exited the room, realizing this was the first time I had heard the words pancreas cancer.  The air seemed stagnant.  It was as though I couldn’t breathe.  We had been preparing for our Sixteen Tons night club performance and it seemed like life, hope and creativity just stopped.  I was suddenly spun around and hit with the weight of­­ disbelief, anger, fear, and worry that appeared to heap upon me.  It seemed I was walking in someone else’s story, displaced to a life that was not my own.  Wasn’t I in control of my life?  I had spent the last year to two years eating a low to no sugar diet, averaging exercise three times a week with most of our meals being made from scratch.  I was getting lean, fit, and eating right.   I had never had surgery, been hospitalized for anything other than childbirth and overall was a healthy individual.   I was shown in a moment that thinking I was in control was a farce.  I felt helpless.  How would I move forward?  One of the first things I had to do is tell the band that we wouldn’t be in the competition.  I felt like I was letting them down.  I also wasn’t sure if I would continue to play music for a while.  We were just beginning to realize that our lives were forever changed.